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My Spectre Around Me… May 21, 2011

Posted by sarahsfate in Poems, PostADay2011, Thoughts on People, Writing.
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***William Blake (1757-1827) uses the word ‘spectre’ to refer to his constant, redundant inability to embrace love…or the object of his affections. When he vows to ‘turn from female love’ he is not suggesting becoming homosexual or ascetic, but to give up the act of embracing love. He wants to be happy and decides that the constant attempt to embrace love is making him unhappy, so to break himself from the cycle of inability, he is giving up the pursuit.***

My Spectre Around Me Night and Day – William Blake

My spectre around me night and day
like a wild beast guards my way
my emanation far within
weeps incessantly for my sin

A fathomless and boundless deep
there we wander, there we weep
on the hungry craving wind
my spectre follows thee behind

He scents thy footsteps in the snow
wheresoever thou dost go
thro the wintry hail and rain
when wilt thou return again?

Dost thou not in pride and scorn
fill with tempests all my morn
and with jealousies and fears
fill my pleasant nights with tears

Seven of my sweet loves thy knife
has bereaved of their life
their marble tombs I built with tears
and with cold and shuddering fears

Seven more loves weep night and day
round the tombs where my loves lay
and seven more loves attend each night
around my couch with torches bright

And seven more loves in my bed
crown with wine my mournful head
pitying and forgiving all
thy transgressions great and small

When wilt thou return and view
my loves and them to life renew?
When wilt thou return and live
when wilt thou pity as I forgive?

Never, Never I return
still for victory I burn
living thee alone I’ll have
and when dead I’ll be thy grave

Thro the heaven and earth and hell
thou shalt never never quell
I will fly and thou pursue
night and morn the flight renew

Till I turn from female love
and root up the infernal grove
I shall never worthy be
to step into Eternity

And to end thy cruel mocks
annihilate thee on the rocks
and another form create
to be subservient to my fte

Let us agree to give up love
and root up the infernal grove
then shall we return and see
the worlds of happy eternity

and throughout all Eternity
I forgive you, you forgive me
as our dear redeemer said
this is the wine, and this is the bread.

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U February 5, 2011

Posted by sarahsfate in Poems.
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I can always tell when it’s time to step back

when its not enough just to freeze or retract

like the movement’s not enough to effect that

it must be intended, on purpose, like a skilled trap

you forget in the wild til one day there’s a cruel snap

wakes you up, you scream aloud, and you jump back

but it’s too late, steel teeth bite down on your leg now

it’s a chain, where’s the ball, oh! I see now

but you run with it clanging cause it is attached

to your leg and reminders of the past, now they slap you

in the head, in the back to remind you

of the insincerity, and the lies — oh they curse you

do you run, not to outrun cause that you can’t do

just accept you were wrong, there’s nothing to prove

it’s all lies it’s all past, tell em it’s the old you

but you know, ha ha, yeah you know, they’ll never be through

with a hate and revenge the likes you never knew

but you know, yeah, you know now, it’s attached to you

metal chain, cold steel ball and a trap laid for you

lays you low, so it breaks and tears at your soul

it’s all over now, you can wait, just fucking roll

til the steel grows a virus and steals your whole soul

when it ends, yeah it ends, you’ll be too far gone to know

New Day October 24, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Poems.
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there’s a difference in the light today

gray clouds no longer pave

the road today

that was yesterday

and a hundred other yesterdays

times a thousand

but you’re gone now

no more pull, no more draw now

you don’t know how

miserable you made me, wow

I can see PAST you

in the light I can see through

all the smoke in leiu

of the venom and lies that are you

how did I get trapped

just a meeting and I was wrapped

like the jaws of a monster, you snapped

at me and it trapped me

and I forgot to breathe

or to see or to flee or be me

damn I forgot ME

but that was then anyway

and today I’m okay

I’ll be free, oh, I am ALREADY free

lifting the veil of yesterday

squint my eyes against the day

the light it lights my way

and I move forward, yeah, I’m okay

and I say bye to you, I’m no

longer your bait OR your fate

Unseen in The Light October 3, 2010

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Sometimes the dark escapes and all around me is light

In the halo there you are with shadows in your eyes

Beyond the dark I see nothing, no hint of my light

Am I there? Are you there? Or am I dreaming this time?

I imagined something different, a furnace — a fight

An anger, a fury, with a punishing design

But in your eyes I see nothing, no hint of the fight

It is missing from you, as though it was never mine

If I put my hand on you, heat building in the night,

would you feel the whisper of my fingers on your side?

Would you close your dark eyes and give over to the night?

With my hand on you, will you promise me not to lie?

You need not say a word for your body says it right

Anywhere but here is where your mind is at this time

This time, every time, because it’s me that isn’t right

And you know this is the truth, I see it in your eyes

But you pretend, and I pretend, and turn out the light

So we can’t see our faces pretending this is right

What I feel is alien, out of place, and too light

And it’s cold, I feel cold, with my soul locked up tight

I refuse to feel a thing, refuse to face the night

Refuse to remember what my dreams had once designed

It isn’t me, it isn’t you, it isn’t us tonight

But two strangers pretending that what we do is right

When I leave I will try to forget you just this time

I won’t miss you, because I know you were never mine

I was mad to believe, to dream of another life

Another time, another life, erased from my mind

Had I chose, had you chose, and had it ever been right

I would have known the truth just by looking in your eyes

But I see, do you see me, with shadows in your eyes

Would you choose, could you choose, if we were not here tonight.

I regret now, in a corner, of frozen white light

Forgetting, God forgetting, what ruined us that night

And all the days and all the dreams and that bitter fight

It’s over, all it was, is at the edge of my light

But I can still see you, shadowed, standing where you might

Where we can never forget what we carried that night

And I can never forget the nothing in your eyes

With despair of your lips, by now knowing they held lies.

Anger in The Shadows September 13, 2010

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When the night grows still and there’s no one about

when the moon shines it’s light into the shadows of doubt

asking questions, posing answers, just to get it all out

will you answer, will you wonder, will you think it aloud

When the wind whispers by and with it tingling surprise

like the darkness hides the probe of wandering eyes

do they see you, who they are, wherever they lie

do they see what it is in your heart that you hide

When the house creaks and you’re there standing alone

do you wander room to room suppressing a moan,

do you stare into the shadows waiting for the phone

will it ring, who’ll be there, or are you truly alone

When the bed is too big and the silence a tomb

and the kitchen too dark and an empty livingroom

and the driveway is empty and not changing soon

do you wonder, do you question, what’s there for you

When the emptiness is cold, in the darkest of nights

with an unending shadow to block out the lights

and a pain in your soul that smothers your cries

will you stop, will you end it and turn out the lights

When the voices don’t stop, they just circle your mind

and each conversation is replayed with rewind

play out what they said, search for a new find

but find the same, left alone, you’re left behind

When you bellow your anger to no one who’s there

and say what you feel cause there’s no one who’ll care

you rage at the walls with your fist and batter the stairs

but still you’re empty, with a heart that’s laid bare 

When the sun returns after the hours have fled

will you turn to its glow where the warmth is shed

with tears on your pillow, where it lies on your bed

will you lie there waiting, or choose to live instead.

Just to Scream August 22, 2010

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I ran as far as I could go, to be away

to be alone

I drove to nowhere til I ran out of gas

then left my car there

then moving aimless, blind in the sun

seeking darkness

I ran as far as I could go, to be away

to be alone

I went where there’s no sound

no voices to trace

no music, or laughter, no pretense of the stage

to overwhelm me

just my thoughts and this anger and this deadening pain

just me and my hate

I went where there’s no sound

no voices to trace

Still I hear you in the wind like you’re there

like you’re walking with me

and you walk and you stare

repeat in the sun all those ridiculous lies

I’m running from

Still I hear you in the wind like you’re there

like you’re walking with me

And then I run, running so fast

til I’m out of breath

so I stop and lean over

and stare at this path

heaving in breaths to smother this fury

blazing in my veins

And then I run, running so fast

til I’m out of breath

Where I’m at there is nothing

for so many miles

and my car — so far gone now

lost in those miles

just the leaves and the grass and beckoning trees

and birds who are startled by me

Where I’m at there is nothing

for so many miles

What I see through the sunlight in my eyes

and on my cheeks

through my teeth as the bidden rage repeats

still coursing through me

and I hear as it moves through my hands, through my heart

a roar as it meets

What I see through the sunlight in my eyes

and on my cheeks

But I break past the seam and turn my face to the sky

then I shut my eyes and I scream

The scream churns; it’s a sound from the depths of my soul

but it fades as it burns

the sound is wounded and lonely and broken

a reflection of me

but I break past the seam and turn my face to the sky

then I shut my eyes and I scream

Gentle Flower July 10, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Poems.
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O’ gentle, gentle seed
left behind so thou would flourish
in a wealth of dreamer’s fodder
and withered weed
with such glory of sunlight
to shine on thee with promise
so thou may grow and prosper
such flourish of soul
such promise
such faith
such goodness
such face
though clouds rolled in
from thence Eastern horizon
with gusts
with pelting rain
o’ with such fury!
neither did thou abandon thy post
nor shy from the gloom
but stood sturdy
stood proudly
stood to endure
o’ gentle, gentle flower
how thou wafts to and fro
gaily — nay! merrily!
o’ I promise, thous’t glows
so fragile, so hardy
so lovingly slow
tho a whisper glides to thee
o’er fields of grass below
still thous’t stands proudly
still thou bares thy soul
gentle footsteps come nearer
o’ great love thou yearn to know
and thou sees him
as he sees thee
o’er yonder
o’er fields
o’er coves
and he drifts nearer to thee
o’ precious, precious thing
with his dark eyes
so bottomless
so penetrating
so cold
he examines thy leaves
o’ how they flutter so
and the pastel kissed petals
of a midsummers rose
such promise
such faith
such flourish of soul
tho thou did not expect
could not
would not
with such innocence, expect
such lack of regard
and I moaned
as thou moaned
as he carried thee off