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Drifter October 28, 2014

Posted by sarahsfate in My Own Personal Trials.
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Drifter“When everything in your life is right on track, it’s easy to believe that things happen for a reason. It’s easy to have faith. But when things start to go wrong, then it’s very hard to hold on to that faith. It’s hard not to wonder who’s reasons these things are happening for.”-Allie Keys, Taken

Maybe things do happen for a reason but it’s possible things happen just because things happen. How can a million external actions coalesce into one single act without the end product being random? An accident. When I was a little girl, my dad and sister and I lived with our grandmother–a fact that was brought about by a thousand other random acts. Grandmother decided we needed a mom and “encouraged” my father to find us one, which he did. After they married, we moved around a lot as though constantly running from the law. We moved and moved and then one day, in one new house…some little boys knocked on our door and offered us a puppy, whom we accepted and named Precious, then promptly renamed Goat. One of these boys became my friend for the short 12-month period we lived in that house and then we moved again, and I lost touch with him. Seven years later I moved back to that town and ran into him and we became friends again. But in less than six months I was on the move again (having personally developed a drifter type spirit), and we lost touch again. It would be another 20 years before I would see him again, at which point we picked up our friendship as though it had been on hold a mere minute.

Upon reflection of this experience I have realized something about myself…that this is not as crazy as it would seem in my life. I have difficulty holding on to relationships consistently and instead have made it a habit to come in and out of peoples lives like the drifter I describe myself as being. So perhaps it is not fate when I run into someone years later, once or twice, or three times. Perhaps there is no “reason” behind it. Maybe it really is just a thousand different moments coalescing to bring me to this place out of randomness. Part of me wants to believe so…makes it easier to drift away as I’ve always done. Because if I start believing things happen for a reason I might have to question everything.