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Just to Scream August 22, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Poems.
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I ran as far as I could go, to be away

to be alone

I drove to nowhere til I ran out of gas

then left my car there

then moving aimless, blind in the sun

seeking darkness

I ran as far as I could go, to be away

to be alone

I went where there’s no sound

no voices to trace

no music, or laughter, no pretense of the stage

to overwhelm me

just my thoughts and this anger and this deadening pain

just me and my hate

I went where there’s no sound

no voices to trace

Still I hear you in the wind like you’re there

like you’re walking with me

and you walk and you stare

repeat in the sun all those ridiculous lies

I’m running from

Still I hear you in the wind like you’re there

like you’re walking with me

And then I run, running so fast

til I’m out of breath

so I stop and lean over

and stare at this path

heaving in breaths to smother this fury

blazing in my veins

And then I run, running so fast

til I’m out of breath

Where I’m at there is nothing

for so many miles

and my car — so far gone now

lost in those miles

just the leaves and the grass and beckoning trees

and birds who are startled by me

Where I’m at there is nothing

for so many miles

What I see through the sunlight in my eyes

and on my cheeks

through my teeth as the bidden rage repeats

still coursing through me

and I hear as it moves through my hands, through my heart

a roar as it meets

What I see through the sunlight in my eyes

and on my cheeks

But I break past the seam and turn my face to the sky

then I shut my eyes and I scream

The scream churns; it’s a sound from the depths of my soul

but it fades as it burns

the sound is wounded and lonely and broken

a reflection of me

but I break past the seam and turn my face to the sky

then I shut my eyes and I scream

In the Dark August 21, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in My Own Personal Trials.
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It’s dark out with barely discernible moonlight

that milky haze dances along branches and leaves

pausing in shadow, bowing in oath to midnight

the dance partner whispers warm comfort on the breeze

On top of the bushes, dragonflies hover by

and late night bees visit roses hanging from trees

the white petals flutter a whisper in the night

its gentleness is there only to mock and tease

in echo, my slippered feet tap on the wet grass

running so fast, so lost, so hopeless in the dark

if my breath comes out shallow; a desperate gasp

it’s the fear of the chase though my feet leave no mark

I widen my green eyes, am now desperate to see

in the dark maze I run, there is nothing but green

the mottled sob held silent and trapped inside me

so the sound or the sight or the breath wont be seen

what chases is darkness and he’s light on his feet

like a whisper, or ghost, like a breath on my cheek

he follows, laughing, closer to every heart beat

and I dare not look back, dare not take time to seek

his soulless eyes, o they are dark fathomless eyes

they will seek mine and I’ll be unable to flee

and his lips or his smile or the croon of his lies

no I dare not turn back and see what is to see

but I cannot shut my eyes so I cannot see

no I cannot turn back, though I can barely breathe

cannot stop running, allow darkness to find me

wont believe, in the maze, it is me chasing me.

Letting Go August 15, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in My Own Personal Trials.
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Sometimes it is better for all concerned to just take a deep breath and let it go.

For However Long I am Here August 13, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in My Own Personal Trials.
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On my son’s fifth birthday I asked if he felt older now that he was five years old and he looked at me as though I was crazy and said, “no mom, I’ve only been here five years”.

Only been here five years. Not alive, not born…here. On Earth, in this world, as though he came from somewhere else and is visiting for as long as he is allowed to remain, to experience and learn what he can of this world…in the time he is allowed.

They say children remember what came before their birth and as they grow older they become like us, and forget. So I felt privileged to be the recipient of such knowledge and understanding — even if it came from a 5-year old. My son taught me something that day.

I have only been here for thirty-one years and have spent those years soaking up knowledge and learning, and trying to understand, everything around me. I have spent the last ten years feeling as though my life is slipping away from me and my life is almost at an end.

But, it isn’t.

Even if I do not believe in an after-life or the possibility of reincarnation, I have an even greater gift. The here and now. And there are still things I am supposed to do and learn during my “stay” here.

In the movie, City of Angels, the angel asked the little girl what her favorite thing was. Do you remember what she said? Pajamas. That was her favorite thing about life on Earth. Everyday now I ask myself, what was your favorite thing about today?

And today, my favorite thing was how many times my son interrupted my adult conversation to tell me he loved me.

And I suppose, in the end, when God asks what my favorite thing was about life on Earth I will tell him love. For every day there is mention of love, there is evidence and action and display of love. If I were alone here it would be the first thing I missed, quickly followed by the sound of someone else’s voice.

Love. That is why I am here. To take back evidence that love exists here.

Saying I Love You August 12, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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It is hard to know when to tell someone you love them. So many want to be loved — feeling they do not get enough affection — it seems wasteful not to tell someone they are loved. Even if the sentiment is not returned. But it is hard to know when, or if, to tell them.

So much love in the world goes ignored. Shelved. Wasted. We are a society at odds with love — both desirous of it and loathe to admit the desire, as though it is a personal failure to feel such a thing. Is it? Is love truly a weakness, as people say?

The many forms of love abound in my life and are projected like moonbeams from the people I know. We all love someone, though we will not admit. We all have someone whose love we desire in return, though we will not admit.

I tell you I love you and there is a pause in which I am forced to explain my love. You are a friend to me, someone of such import that I would lay down my life for you. I would hug you and kiss your cheek when you go, as though you are family. This is love. There is also someone whom I love whom I refuse to tell, or hug, or kiss his cheek.

Because I do not know how. Or when. Or if.

I am not alone. We continue onward, marching forward in a lonely life unknowing what could have been if we had only been able to say the words that bring both comfort and dread to our souls.

I love you.

I love you.

God, how I love you.

When Worries Worry August 9, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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I think people worry about what is coming, more than they worry about what is happening. At any given moment, there are dozens of possibilities for what could happen in the next moment.

If you set your alarm at night — a thing of predictable outcome — you should be able to sleep without concern. But you worry anyway. What if the power goes out or you oversleep? The possibility of a disappointed boss and subsequent reprimand, the confrontation worries you. How do find comfort in sleep?

You leave for work and wonder if you will be rear-ended in rush-hour traffic, or if your tire will blow out, or if you will still be late to work even though your trusty alarm clock went off without fail.

At work your boss calls you in for an impromptu meeting and you worry immediately about downsizing. Or that you were seen checking your personal emails at work, or that someone heard the text messages binging on your phone.

You worry about buying groceries and how long the food will last before you have to return and spend more money you can’t afford to spend. How expensive your electricity bill will be that month, or if your dog is sick or just overheated.

We want to appear unconcerned to others around us — as though life is great and we have no worries whatsoever. When someone breaks your heart, you pretend it has no effect on you. When your wife leaves, you tell your friends ‘good riddance’. When people find out about that your tire exploded on the highway, and you’re upset because it damaged your car, you just tell people it’s no big deal, these things happen.

But it is a big deal.

It’s always a big deal — everything is.

How do we unwind from such constant worry? From the possibility of things to come, or the need to seem fancy-free? How do we ever stop to breathe and just enjoy a moment? I think if people did stop to breathe and enjoy a moment, it would be followed quickly — too quickly — by the onset of new worries. Like how you just wasted a moment breathing when there is so much else to be done.

I miss being still within my own mind. I miss being able to enjoy a moment.

I wonder how many other people around me are thinking the same thing.

Isolated Lines August 6, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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Have you ever noticed how you stand in a grocery line? You are waiting in line with a half dozen other shoppers and instead of feeling as though the six or seven of you are part of a group…you feel alone. Isolated. Noticed — as though the others are staring at you and judging your right to be there. You shuffle your feet. You look at your watch. You check the items in your grocery cart as though you do not already know what you have selected.

You look at the magazines, glance at the row of chewing gum choices, or at an unseemly speck of dirt on the floor.

You feel their eyes on you. You did not get dressed up today, did you? Just put on some sweat pants and a t-shirt and went to the store. And you are wearing flip flops, which only serve to present your non-pedicured toes. Your hair is pulled in a lazy knot at the back of your head (if you are a girl) or you did not bother putting gel in before you left (if  you’re a guy). People are staring, you are certain of it.

I wonder if everyone standing in the line is doing the same thing. All picking themselves apart in some great agony of belonging there…in a grocery line.

You know, sensibly (because you are a sensible person) that no one is staring at the back of your head and they do not notice your toes. In fact, what they are probably thinking is how the people behind them are judging them.

Everyone is quiet in line as though in the library and then someone will say something, finally, about the heat outside, the abnormally cold air conditioner inside or why the store only has four cashiers working during back-to-school sales. And everyone in line breathes a sigh of relief, to be granted favor by conversation, and everyone jumps into the conversation — exclaiming about whatever  subject was brought up.

And suddenly, instead of being half a dozen isolated individuals, everyone becomes a group. One group.

Et tu Brute? August 3, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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We are, all of us, surrounded by people who will, at any given moment, betray us. Why do they betray us? They tell a lie in order to make us look bad so they are promoted instead of us. They may use us for a sexual release and then not speak to us again. They might have only hung around as long as our money held out.

They have their reasons do they not? Perhaps he needed that promotion more than you did — at the very least, he wanted it more. So much so he was willing to forgo his moralistic upbringing.

Perhaps her heart was broken and she was angry — she used you for sex because it made her feel better to do so. Does it make it right? No, it doesn’t.

And the user of money…perhaps they are afraid of going without. Afraid or loathe to.

It is bad enough having to wade through the mass of users and betrayers in the world around us, without having to keep an eye on the people in our family. You should not have to suspect your sister or brother, or father even.

But sometimes, for some of us, it has happened…the user, the betrayer shares our DNA, perhaps even our face.

You’ve learned, have you not? What the users and betrayers do when presented with a situation?

You have a choice, do you not always have a choice?

You can choose to annihilate your family member, thereby creating a permanent family strain evident at every family get-together.

Or you can prevent the presented situation from recurrence. If they steal from you, don’t allow access to whatever it is they like to steal. If they lie about you, ignore it. If they turn everyone against you…

…look them in the eye (because nothing is worse than meeting your victim’s direct gaze) and say,

et tu, Brute?

Relevance in Divorce August 3, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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After a divorce is final, how long should the argument ‘what he did’; ‘what she did’ be relevant? How long should you hold on to the bitter memories and the blame for faults never repaired? How long do you remain single, after a divorce?

The answer is — it’s up to you.

What happens to you as you hold on to the bitterness and the memories is that you do not move on…you become grounded, halted in the stride of your life, as you grapple with a past that cannot be undone. You become stymied in a life of your own choosing, though with every breath you protest this is truth. You want to blame him. You want to blame her. You want to find a reason for the torturous bleeding of your soul.

The loss of trust. The loss of faith and camaraderie that once existed in your every day life. From having a home and family to having a silent home and a broken family. Lives are changed. This is the essence of life — it is ever-changing. If you pause at the doorway, staring off into the night as though reliving the recollection of his leaving,  then you are stuck there.

Until you move your feet.

He disappointed you. She let you down. You both broke each other’s heart. The love that once existed between you can be no more and wallowing in those yesteryears will never repair it. You have a choice, I do not mean to say you do not. We all have a choice.

You can choose between standing in that open doorway staring off into the night, angrily remembering what was, or by moving away from the door, turning to face the room behind you and deciding how that room will look in the future.

You do not have to immediately replace your ex-husband, or your ex-wife, in fact I would never recommend such an action. A soul needs to heal and it cannot heal when you dump new intense feelings into it. It must breathe, and you must breathe with it.

Learn who you are, who you were and who you want to be.

And move.

Condemnation August 2, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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It is too easy to judge others on their failings. For most of us, we judge others just as readily as we judge ourselves. But we need to accept our failures and move on — so we make allowances for ourselves where we do not for others.

A friend of mine made a mistake — a big mistake. If you look at her mistake, see the failure, and condemn her for it, then be ready to prove your mistake-free life. Your mistake might have cost you a friend, a batch of muffins, or a few points in your credit rating.

Her mistake cost her a house, her car, her possessions, her job, her children, her self-confidence, and the respect of family and friends. In essence, everything but the tattered remains of the life she came into this world with.

And instead of admitting defeat or committing suicide, which so many others have done, she rallied herself and began picking up the pieces of her life in order to fix her mistake.

You judge and condemn her though she loves you. Though she understands your anger, your disappointment, it wounds her. You slap at or ignore her reconciliation attempts as though as she is not worth a moment of your time — though she is your mother and her mistake was to fall in love with a deceiver who deceived even you.

And she does not now tell you, broken heart in hand, to guard your heart and be wary of love. She laughs and accepts what cannot be undone — telling you to dream big with an open heart.

And you continue to hate her.