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Thoughts on Suicide July 29, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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I had a friend once tell me early on in the friendship that he was an angry sort who spent most of his time wishing for his ‘time’ to come. His ‘time’ was not a one-hit wonder, or winning the lottery, or finding that beautiful woman who would make him happy — it was dying. I did not know him well enough, at the time, to realize how far down the rabbit hole his mind went…but I found out later…

…when we discussed his obsession with death again, two years had passed. I knew him much, much better, but understood him even less…

…he told me he just wanted to end his life and even knowing that suicide was “the pussy” way out, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. I told him I didn’t think suicide was “the pussy” way out — I consider it to be the way out for someone who can see no other way. It’s like a runaway teenager or some other hopeless person who buys a train ticket to anywhere, just to get away. The problem with suicide is that once you get where you’re going…you can never come back.

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I’m Gonna Always Be Here July 22, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Thoughts on People.
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Adults told me, when I was a child, that I needed to ascertain what my purpose in life would be. Would I be an actress? A pilot? The first female president? Would I help the starving in other countries, would I help the pained in this country? What would my purpose be??

I was a small slip of a child — blonde, pale, and willowy. I stared, in wide-eyed seriousness, at the adults placing this task on me…and I wondered.

As though on a mission, I searched ideas at the public library, thought long and hard on the subject, and watched people to determine if I liked their purpose. I struggled to find an answer.

I went to school, enrolled in college, joined organizations, signed up for committees, and donated money to cancer-curing cultures.

But it wasn’t until a month ago, at the age of 31, when I finally figured out what it was. My purpose was one that will never gain me headway in life, it will not (in any determinable way) benefit me in any way.

What’s more, without being aware of it, I have contributed towards my purpose every day of my life.

A month ago, June 2010, I sat with my step-mother and bemoaned the fact that everyone I know tells me their woes. They speak to me of the most indelicate information fit only for cloth-robed priests.

And yet, these people choose me. I would say, over the years, hundreds of people have done so. Friends, family…perfect strangers.

And as I was whining to my step-mom about this, I had an epiphany. This was my purpose. To be there and listen.

And so I ceased my complaining, breathed a heavy sigh, and smiled comfortingly the next time someone laid their head on my shoulder.

I’m here, I’m gonna always be here.

Gentle Flower July 10, 2010

Posted by sarahsfate in Poems.
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O’ gentle, gentle seed
left behind so thou would flourish
in a wealth of dreamer’s fodder
and withered weed
with such glory of sunlight
to shine on thee with promise
so thou may grow and prosper
such flourish of soul
such promise
such faith
such goodness
such face
though clouds rolled in
from thence Eastern horizon
with gusts
with pelting rain
o’ with such fury!
neither did thou abandon thy post
nor shy from the gloom
but stood sturdy
stood proudly
stood to endure
o’ gentle, gentle flower
how thou wafts to and fro
gaily — nay! merrily!
o’ I promise, thous’t glows
so fragile, so hardy
so lovingly slow
tho a whisper glides to thee
o’er fields of grass below
still thous’t stands proudly
still thou bares thy soul
gentle footsteps come nearer
o’ great love thou yearn to know
and thou sees him
as he sees thee
o’er yonder
o’er fields
o’er coves
and he drifts nearer to thee
o’ precious, precious thing
with his dark eyes
so bottomless
so penetrating
so cold
he examines thy leaves
o’ how they flutter so
and the pastel kissed petals
of a midsummers rose
such promise
such faith
such flourish of soul
tho thou did not expect
could not
would not
with such innocence, expect
such lack of regard
and I moaned
as thou moaned
as he carried thee off